the ninth step by jen conley page three
It was after ten when Tracey walked through the door. Her face was pink and she smelled like
cigarettes. She was drunk. She stumbled across the living room floor, collapsing into the green
oversized chair Trent had been sitting in earlier. “I can drink,” she stated. Jeff ignored her and
stared at the television. “Don’t give me any of your pissy attitude. I’m not an alcoholic.”
Jeff flicked his eyes to her. She was trying to light a cigarette. It had been two years since he
had started AA. He was true to it. It was hard because he didn’t see his cousin or his old
buddies too much anymore. It was too difficult to hang around drinking people for long periods
of time. Jeff had apologized over and over to Tracey for all the rotten things he remembered
doing and the rotten things he hadn’t remembered doing. He cheated. He’d thrown things
across the kitchen and screamed at Tracey. He told her he regretted marrying her. One night
he threw a pot of coffee at the wall and just missed her head. Another time, he stumbled
through the door and pissed on the new living room carpet. The one her mother bought them
as an anniversary gift.
But Tracey was still angry. She’d invite women from work over to share Cosmopolitans or
Strawberry Daiquiris, even though Jeff‘s AA book sat on the kitchen counter. Tracey went out
to the bars of Seaside with her friends and got smashed with all the twenty-one-year-olds
even though she was already thirty-four. When they argued, Tracey yelled about his cheating,
bringing up names and places. She stopped buying him Christmas and birthday presents. She
hated him.
Tracey passed out in the chair with her cigarette burning. Jeff took the cigarette away and
finished it himself on the back porch. Then he helped her into the bedroom. When Tracey was
in high school she’d been curvy. Now she was just skinny. She smoked a lot of cigarettes and
drank a lot of coffee. Her teeth were yellow.
The summer after Diane and Jeff connected was the summer after Jeff’s graduation. Tim’s
father had gotten Jeff the mechanic job by then and Diane’s father started another affair. With
the nineteen-year-old daughter of a local police officer. Diane’s sister had quit school and had
moved back to South Amboy with an old boyfriend. Diane’s mother was drinking heavily and
Diane was hanging out around Jeff more and more. She was calling him four and five times a
day. She hung out in the woods with Jeff’s buddies at night and into the early morning,
drinking around a crackling fire. When summer was over and she returned to school, Diane
was frantic that something was going wrong with their relationship. Most of the guys told Jeff
to dump her, that she was becoming an old ball and chain. He didn’t. He drove her to her job
and picked her up at night. Sometimes, when his father was passed out drunk for the night or
simply failed to come home, he let her stay over in his bedroom. And even though they
bickered and fought about his drinking, he still wouldn’t cut her loose. He just drank more and
told her to take it easy.
When Diane’s father was caught having sex with the policeman’s daughter in front of her dad’s
house, he decided to leave for Pittsburgh. At the same time, Diane got into a lopsided
argument with her mother and was kicked out of the house. She showed up at Jeff’s door with
a large duffle bag and Jeff let her stay. Often, on the way home from work, Jeff would stop off
at a liquor store that didn’t ID its patrons and buy a can of beer and an airplane bottle of Jack
Daniels. He’d sit in the parking lot, sweaty and dirty from work, sucking back his whiskey and
guzzling his beer covered with a paper bag. And then, as if God himself decided to bail Jeff out,
five weeks after moving in with him, Diane’s father arrived with a Sheriff’s officer who told Diane
that she had to move to Pittsburgh with her father. Diane screamed and bawled hopelessly as
they all but dragged her to father’s car.
“I don’t want to go,” she cried, gripping Jeff’s arm. “Don’t let me go!”
Jeff looked at the Sheriff’s officer and then at Diane’s father. The officer fished a cigarette out
of his front pocket and shook his head with impatience. “Goddamn job,” he muttered. Diane’s
father, who was sitting in front of the steering wheel, looked at his watch and then started up
the car.
Jeff gently pushed Diane into the car and shut the door. She rolled down the window and
grabbed his hand. “It’s not fair,” she sobbed. “Please don’t let me go.” Jeff frowned and told
her he’d come out there and visit. “Hell, I’ll get a job out there. And when you finish school
and turn eighteen, you can come back to New Jersey.”
Diane nodded and wiped her eyes, her blue eye shadow washing away. Jeff kissed her and
she begged him to not forget to come to Pittsburgh. He told her he would remember and in
that moment he knew he would not. As the car pulled away, the only emotion Jeff could
summon up was an unyielding, rock-solid sense of relief.
The next morning, Tracey called in sick and sat in the green chair, drinking water and watching
television. Trent and TJ got ready for school quickly and went out to catch the bus early. Jeff
made Tracey some coffee and placed it on the side table next to her. She mumbled a thank you
and flipped the channels. Jeff walked out to his truck.
He ran into Tim at the gas station who was drinking coffee and talking with their buddy, Jesse.
Jeff tried to get away with a wave but the two of them walked up to his truck. Jesse asked
about the lawn and Tim asked about the boys. Then Jesse said that he had just run into Diane
the day before. “She’s good, I guess.” Jeff nodded, hopped back in his truck, and drove away.
After Diane left, Jeff spent the next two weeks hanging out, drinking beer and smoking weed
with his friends. Diane called at strange hours and sometimes he’d sleep right through the calls
and his sister would have to get the phone. Diane was sometimes crying and sometimes
angry. But mostly she just sounded depressed.
It took three months for Jeff to take up with other girls again. It wasn’t cheating because Diane’
s calls were fading away. The first girl he messed with was a friend of his sister’s. Then there
were the girls who drank too much beer and then there was Tracey. Diane’s eighteenth
birthday at the end of August came and went.
Six months later, after shoving Diane into the back of his mind, he suddenly wondered about
her. He was sitting in his car, waiting for Tim and his younger brother, Lou, to come out of their
house so they could go down to Seaside. They had gotten a hold of some new fake ID’s and
they were going to try them out. So while Jeff sat, smoking a cigarette, listening to the song
“Southern Cross” on the radio, the little girl across the street began to twirl along her grassy
front yard in a stream of cartwheels. He watched her go across the lawn and then back again,
the soft harmonies of the music
cigarettes. She was drunk. She stumbled across the living room floor, collapsing into the green
oversized chair Trent had been sitting in earlier. “I can drink,” she stated. Jeff ignored her and
stared at the television. “Don’t give me any of your pissy attitude. I’m not an alcoholic.”
Jeff flicked his eyes to her. She was trying to light a cigarette. It had been two years since he
had started AA. He was true to it. It was hard because he didn’t see his cousin or his old
buddies too much anymore. It was too difficult to hang around drinking people for long periods
of time. Jeff had apologized over and over to Tracey for all the rotten things he remembered
doing and the rotten things he hadn’t remembered doing. He cheated. He’d thrown things
across the kitchen and screamed at Tracey. He told her he regretted marrying her. One night
he threw a pot of coffee at the wall and just missed her head. Another time, he stumbled
through the door and pissed on the new living room carpet. The one her mother bought them
as an anniversary gift.
But Tracey was still angry. She’d invite women from work over to share Cosmopolitans or
Strawberry Daiquiris, even though Jeff‘s AA book sat on the kitchen counter. Tracey went out
to the bars of Seaside with her friends and got smashed with all the twenty-one-year-olds
even though she was already thirty-four. When they argued, Tracey yelled about his cheating,
bringing up names and places. She stopped buying him Christmas and birthday presents. She
hated him.
Tracey passed out in the chair with her cigarette burning. Jeff took the cigarette away and
finished it himself on the back porch. Then he helped her into the bedroom. When Tracey was
in high school she’d been curvy. Now she was just skinny. She smoked a lot of cigarettes and
drank a lot of coffee. Her teeth were yellow.
The summer after Diane and Jeff connected was the summer after Jeff’s graduation. Tim’s
father had gotten Jeff the mechanic job by then and Diane’s father started another affair. With
the nineteen-year-old daughter of a local police officer. Diane’s sister had quit school and had
moved back to South Amboy with an old boyfriend. Diane’s mother was drinking heavily and
Diane was hanging out around Jeff more and more. She was calling him four and five times a
day. She hung out in the woods with Jeff’s buddies at night and into the early morning,
drinking around a crackling fire. When summer was over and she returned to school, Diane
was frantic that something was going wrong with their relationship. Most of the guys told Jeff
to dump her, that she was becoming an old ball and chain. He didn’t. He drove her to her job
and picked her up at night. Sometimes, when his father was passed out drunk for the night or
simply failed to come home, he let her stay over in his bedroom. And even though they
bickered and fought about his drinking, he still wouldn’t cut her loose. He just drank more and
told her to take it easy.
When Diane’s father was caught having sex with the policeman’s daughter in front of her dad’s
house, he decided to leave for Pittsburgh. At the same time, Diane got into a lopsided
argument with her mother and was kicked out of the house. She showed up at Jeff’s door with
a large duffle bag and Jeff let her stay. Often, on the way home from work, Jeff would stop off
at a liquor store that didn’t ID its patrons and buy a can of beer and an airplane bottle of Jack
Daniels. He’d sit in the parking lot, sweaty and dirty from work, sucking back his whiskey and
guzzling his beer covered with a paper bag. And then, as if God himself decided to bail Jeff out,
five weeks after moving in with him, Diane’s father arrived with a Sheriff’s officer who told Diane
that she had to move to Pittsburgh with her father. Diane screamed and bawled hopelessly as
they all but dragged her to father’s car.
“I don’t want to go,” she cried, gripping Jeff’s arm. “Don’t let me go!”
Jeff looked at the Sheriff’s officer and then at Diane’s father. The officer fished a cigarette out
of his front pocket and shook his head with impatience. “Goddamn job,” he muttered. Diane’s
father, who was sitting in front of the steering wheel, looked at his watch and then started up
the car.
Jeff gently pushed Diane into the car and shut the door. She rolled down the window and
grabbed his hand. “It’s not fair,” she sobbed. “Please don’t let me go.” Jeff frowned and told
her he’d come out there and visit. “Hell, I’ll get a job out there. And when you finish school
and turn eighteen, you can come back to New Jersey.”
Diane nodded and wiped her eyes, her blue eye shadow washing away. Jeff kissed her and
she begged him to not forget to come to Pittsburgh. He told her he would remember and in
that moment he knew he would not. As the car pulled away, the only emotion Jeff could
summon up was an unyielding, rock-solid sense of relief.
The next morning, Tracey called in sick and sat in the green chair, drinking water and watching
television. Trent and TJ got ready for school quickly and went out to catch the bus early. Jeff
made Tracey some coffee and placed it on the side table next to her. She mumbled a thank you
and flipped the channels. Jeff walked out to his truck.
He ran into Tim at the gas station who was drinking coffee and talking with their buddy, Jesse.
Jeff tried to get away with a wave but the two of them walked up to his truck. Jesse asked
about the lawn and Tim asked about the boys. Then Jesse said that he had just run into Diane
the day before. “She’s good, I guess.” Jeff nodded, hopped back in his truck, and drove away.
After Diane left, Jeff spent the next two weeks hanging out, drinking beer and smoking weed
with his friends. Diane called at strange hours and sometimes he’d sleep right through the calls
and his sister would have to get the phone. Diane was sometimes crying and sometimes
angry. But mostly she just sounded depressed.
It took three months for Jeff to take up with other girls again. It wasn’t cheating because Diane’
s calls were fading away. The first girl he messed with was a friend of his sister’s. Then there
were the girls who drank too much beer and then there was Tracey. Diane’s eighteenth
birthday at the end of August came and went.
Six months later, after shoving Diane into the back of his mind, he suddenly wondered about
her. He was sitting in his car, waiting for Tim and his younger brother, Lou, to come out of their
house so they could go down to Seaside. They had gotten a hold of some new fake ID’s and
they were going to try them out. So while Jeff sat, smoking a cigarette, listening to the song
“Southern Cross” on the radio, the little girl across the street began to twirl along her grassy
front yard in a stream of cartwheels. He watched her go across the lawn and then back again,
the soft harmonies of the music
