Me Bay
For sale: Unfulfilled desires, relentless aversions.
Shipping Method: Pickup only. Face-to-face contact required. Buyer
must see the yellow in seller’s eyes, smell the acridity of seller’s liver.
See item description for details.
Item Location: In the darkest crevices of seller’s mind.
History: 0 bids.
Reason for Sale: I’ve grown sick of myself.
Bonus: At buyer’s request I will throw in some of my grandest
delusions, and false hopes. Those I’m not yet ready to give up may
go on sale at a later date. Check this website for details.
Items’ Detailed Description: You are bidding on my lifetime
collection of likes and dislikes, phobias, confusions, everything that I
wanted to remain the same but continued to change; all that I
wished would go away and never did. My aversions and
attachments come with unequalled sense of helplessness and defeat.
They are guaranteed to generate a depression that is Prozac-
resistant, and therapy-proof. They will invariably generate suicidal
thoughts when confronted by people who feign happiness, and will
induce severe nausea when exposed to Hollywood romantic
comedies. They’re guaranteed to bring on acute episodes of chronic
fatigue at the mentioning of treadmills. Please consult your physician
before bidding.
Warning #1: My mournful bleakness may occasionally fail in the face
of a sunny spring morning, or a bare foot of a newly-born baby.
These glimpses of joy are rare, but may happen.
My unfulfilled desires include, but are not limited to: unconditional
love, unlimited health and vigor, permanent happiness, and gainful-
yet-meaningful employment.
Warning#2: most of the desires that I have fulfilled are now listed
under phobias and anxieties. Be careful what you bid for.
My phobias include a paralyzing horror of death, disease, old age,
ridicule, and negative judgment. I am also offering to the highest
bidder some less common mental agonies. These include, but are not
limited to: fear of dead flowers and other wilted beauties; a dread of
the universe’s exponential expansion; and an extreme aversion to
people who are more attractive than I am.
Warning #3: If you are more attractive than I am, please refrain
from responding to this bid.
The items listed above are meant for those bored and unsatisfied by
the repetitiveness of their own negativity. Purchasing, and utilizing
these set of foreboding human miseries would allow the buyer an
opening to a new window of unimaginable hopelessness and
trepidation. Make a bid only if you feel ready to upgrade your pale
version of suffering into a superior ride of despair.
Good luck.
For sale: Unfulfilled desires, relentless aversions.
Shipping Method: Pickup only. Face-to-face contact required. Buyer
must see the yellow in seller’s eyes, smell the acridity of seller’s liver.
See item description for details.
Item Location: In the darkest crevices of seller’s mind.
History: 0 bids.
Reason for Sale: I’ve grown sick of myself.
Bonus: At buyer’s request I will throw in some of my grandest
delusions, and false hopes. Those I’m not yet ready to give up may
go on sale at a later date. Check this website for details.
Items’ Detailed Description: You are bidding on my lifetime
collection of likes and dislikes, phobias, confusions, everything that I
wanted to remain the same but continued to change; all that I
wished would go away and never did. My aversions and
attachments come with unequalled sense of helplessness and defeat.
They are guaranteed to generate a depression that is Prozac-
resistant, and therapy-proof. They will invariably generate suicidal
thoughts when confronted by people who feign happiness, and will
induce severe nausea when exposed to Hollywood romantic
comedies. They’re guaranteed to bring on acute episodes of chronic
fatigue at the mentioning of treadmills. Please consult your physician
before bidding.
Warning #1: My mournful bleakness may occasionally fail in the face
of a sunny spring morning, or a bare foot of a newly-born baby.
These glimpses of joy are rare, but may happen.
My unfulfilled desires include, but are not limited to: unconditional
love, unlimited health and vigor, permanent happiness, and gainful-
yet-meaningful employment.
Warning#2: most of the desires that I have fulfilled are now listed
under phobias and anxieties. Be careful what you bid for.
My phobias include a paralyzing horror of death, disease, old age,
ridicule, and negative judgment. I am also offering to the highest
bidder some less common mental agonies. These include, but are not
limited to: fear of dead flowers and other wilted beauties; a dread of
the universe’s exponential expansion; and an extreme aversion to
people who are more attractive than I am.
Warning #3: If you are more attractive than I am, please refrain
from responding to this bid.
The items listed above are meant for those bored and unsatisfied by
the repetitiveness of their own negativity. Purchasing, and utilizing
these set of foreboding human miseries would allow the buyer an
opening to a new window of unimaginable hopelessness and
trepidation. Make a bid only if you feel ready to upgrade your pale
version of suffering into a superior ride of despair.
Good luck.
r.kv.r.y. quarterly literary journal
fall08/winter09
flash fiction
by
shaul hendel
fall08/winter09
flash fiction
by
shaul hendel