shorts on substances
jenna page two
jenna page two
Jenna has names for all these things, words she makes up, phrases. I can’t remember most
of them, but they’re pretty good sometimes. Once she said, “If someone were as hard on me
as I am, I’d kick their ass.” Everybody in the room laughed. Whenever I share no one laughs
in the right places. I have to pretend like I find myself really funny, so they’ll know when I’m
joking. It makes me look like an idiot. I don’t share very much. Only when my sponsor tells
me I have to.
I hoped Jenna would be at the meeting tonight, and when she walked in I couldn’t keep still. I
hadn’t even had my coffee yet, but my hands were shaking the whole time and I felt like I had
to go pee every five seconds. Jenna had been sharing about how when she was a kid she was
obsessed with sex. At sleepovers she’d get her girlfriends to re-enact Dirty Dancing.
Eventually they’d take her mother’s old dresses and strip. Then they’d pretend to hump
through sleeping bags. When she was in junior high she told her friends she’d had sex on
her parent’s couch, even though she was still a virgin. It was for attention, of course. The
girls knew she was lying, but they called her a slut anyway. Eventually the rumors were true,
and when she was using, she couldn’t remember which had come first, the rumors or the
truth. It wasn’t until her fourth step inventory that it all came out. She’d been a good girl
once. She’d wanted to become a nurse. Back then, her favorite song was by New Kid’s on
the Block.
I don’t know what all this had to do with her leaving for L.A., but it made sense to me about
why she was running off with her boyfriend, and the way she told it made me even more
nervous. Her boyfriend was with her this time, the first time I’d ever seen him, and he was old
and bald and grey looking, like he was still shooting dope. He’d been living in one of those
halfway houses before moving in with Jenna, a place called Oxford House, and they do piss
tests once a week, so he had to have at least a month. They’d stolen the Oxford House
supply of government cheese and free toothpaste for their trip, which is a sober bottom if I’ve
ever seen it, but the group members just laughed. Maybe they thought she was kidding, but
I knew she wasn’t.
But tonight was the night. I was gonna finally talk to Jenna. Who the hell knew what I’d say,
but I took all the money from the treasurer box that I’d been collecting at every meeting for
four months—$500 total—and put it in my jacket. I thought maybe she’d need it for her trip.
After the meeting it was hard to get her attention. She was standing there in knee-high
boots and a tiny skirt, making it look so easy. All through the meeting I’d tried not to stare at
her white panties, watching her cross and uncross her legs, mostly because it struck me as
funny. I would’ve assumed they’d be red or black or something.
Outside I gave Bobby D. a cigarette and tried to make small talk. Everyone was standing
around in clumps like they do after meetings, smoking and bullshitting and planning where to
go for coffee. Bobby just got back from a three month stint with the merchant marines and
was leaving after the weekend, so he had a lot to say, and it was enough that I just stood
there smoking and pretending to listen. I could see Jenna through the glass doors, coming
my way, just about to walk outside. Her boyfriend was nowhere around.
“Hey, Jenna,” I said to her before she passed. “Hey there, Jenna,” I said again as she walked
by.” “Where you headed?” I asked, as she walked away. She said nothing. Bobby D. just
kept on talking. I gave him a look and he shut right up.
“Hey you!” I yelled out to her across the sea of people. A few people turned to look, but Jenna
wasn’t one of them. She was making a beeline to her boyfriend, who was sitting in a pickup
truck in the parking lot.
“Jenna,” someone yelled, “I think you’re wanted.”
Jenna turned around and yelled out, “Who?” By this time everyone was watching. “Who’s
been hollerin’ at me?” She yelled out, in a country accent, and everyone laughed. She was
always doing funny voices.
“We wants ya!” Bobby yelled back, imitating.
“Then get yer ass over here, Bobby! I ain’t got all day!” Bobby grabbed me by the arm and
we made our way through the crowd. “We’re leaving for LA in morning, damn it.” Jenna said.
“Want to get some coffee first?” Bobby still had me by the arm, but I was fine with it. If he
did all the talking than I had less chance to sound like an idiot.
“Get in back,” Jenna said. “We’ll drive.”
All I could think on the ride over was the time Jenna was trying to stay away from men. “I’m
on this inner tube,” she said, “and I’m rushing down the river about to head for some rocks,
and I need to move around them quick, but everybody coming by wants to grab on to my
tube to keep from drowning. But it only has room for me. So I’m like, get off my tube,
buddy! Get off my fucking tube!” No one laughed at that, they just looked at her like they
understood. But I’m like, what the hell? What about those of us who need a tube? I’m
floating down that river, too, and I’m headed for the rapids. I need a fucking tube, too. I
mean, where the hell does a person get a tube? Besides, it seems like her new boyfriend
hopped right on her tube. And there I was, riding in the back of his truck, huddled down
behind the cab windows with Bobby, trying not to puke from the smell of dog piss on the
blankets underneath us. She’s sharing her tube with this guy and I didn’t get it at all. Just
didn’t make sense.
When the truck stopped Bobby jumped out of the back and offered to give me a hand. I
could see through the front windows of Charlie’s that a bunch of people were sitting there
already. And there was Todd F., walking up to the truck. He didn’t notice Bobby, and he sure
as hell didn’t notice me. He was headed straight for Jenna.
“Hey, I’m going inside Charlie’s,” Bobby said, “Are you coming?”
“We’re headed there, Bob,” I said. I wanted to wait for Jenna. But then the truck started
back up and I saw the blinker flashing against the windows at Charlie’s, against the faces of all
the people inside.
“Are you staying or going?” Jenna yelled at me from inside the truck.
This was one of those moments my sponsor warned me about. I could go with Bobby, go sit
at Charlie’s for the hundredth time this month with a bottomless cup of coffee and a basket of
fries, chain smoking and talking about how the good old days weren’t as good as they
seemed, or I could follow Jenna. And I know what you’re thinking. It’s hard not to see which
way to go down this road. But Jenna was leaving, and I didn’t necessarily want to get into
trouble. I just wanted to hang out with her. And I’d already stolen the money from the
treasurer box. At this point I was willing to risk it.
“Going, I guess.” I didn’t care where.
A few minutes later we pulled up in front of a dope house. I knew it was a dope house
because of the chain link fence, the boarded-up windows, and the skinny half-naked guy
standing in the doorway. It was A Man Named Kim. He and I were old friends. Of the few
girls in my life I ever slept with, his girlfriend happened to be one of them. He’d caught us
kissing in the bathroom of a karaoke bar and got excited until he realized we weren’t going to
include him. After that I found a new dealer.
“A Man Named Kim!” Jenna yelled to him as she walked up the driveway. Her boyfriend was
still sitting in the cab of the truck.
of them, but they’re pretty good sometimes. Once she said, “If someone were as hard on me
as I am, I’d kick their ass.” Everybody in the room laughed. Whenever I share no one laughs
in the right places. I have to pretend like I find myself really funny, so they’ll know when I’m
joking. It makes me look like an idiot. I don’t share very much. Only when my sponsor tells
me I have to.
I hoped Jenna would be at the meeting tonight, and when she walked in I couldn’t keep still. I
hadn’t even had my coffee yet, but my hands were shaking the whole time and I felt like I had
to go pee every five seconds. Jenna had been sharing about how when she was a kid she was
obsessed with sex. At sleepovers she’d get her girlfriends to re-enact Dirty Dancing.
Eventually they’d take her mother’s old dresses and strip. Then they’d pretend to hump
through sleeping bags. When she was in junior high she told her friends she’d had sex on
her parent’s couch, even though she was still a virgin. It was for attention, of course. The
girls knew she was lying, but they called her a slut anyway. Eventually the rumors were true,
and when she was using, she couldn’t remember which had come first, the rumors or the
truth. It wasn’t until her fourth step inventory that it all came out. She’d been a good girl
once. She’d wanted to become a nurse. Back then, her favorite song was by New Kid’s on
the Block.
I don’t know what all this had to do with her leaving for L.A., but it made sense to me about
why she was running off with her boyfriend, and the way she told it made me even more
nervous. Her boyfriend was with her this time, the first time I’d ever seen him, and he was old
and bald and grey looking, like he was still shooting dope. He’d been living in one of those
halfway houses before moving in with Jenna, a place called Oxford House, and they do piss
tests once a week, so he had to have at least a month. They’d stolen the Oxford House
supply of government cheese and free toothpaste for their trip, which is a sober bottom if I’ve
ever seen it, but the group members just laughed. Maybe they thought she was kidding, but
I knew she wasn’t.
But tonight was the night. I was gonna finally talk to Jenna. Who the hell knew what I’d say,
but I took all the money from the treasurer box that I’d been collecting at every meeting for
four months—$500 total—and put it in my jacket. I thought maybe she’d need it for her trip.
After the meeting it was hard to get her attention. She was standing there in knee-high
boots and a tiny skirt, making it look so easy. All through the meeting I’d tried not to stare at
her white panties, watching her cross and uncross her legs, mostly because it struck me as
funny. I would’ve assumed they’d be red or black or something.
Outside I gave Bobby D. a cigarette and tried to make small talk. Everyone was standing
around in clumps like they do after meetings, smoking and bullshitting and planning where to
go for coffee. Bobby just got back from a three month stint with the merchant marines and
was leaving after the weekend, so he had a lot to say, and it was enough that I just stood
there smoking and pretending to listen. I could see Jenna through the glass doors, coming
my way, just about to walk outside. Her boyfriend was nowhere around.
“Hey, Jenna,” I said to her before she passed. “Hey there, Jenna,” I said again as she walked
by.” “Where you headed?” I asked, as she walked away. She said nothing. Bobby D. just
kept on talking. I gave him a look and he shut right up.
“Hey you!” I yelled out to her across the sea of people. A few people turned to look, but Jenna
wasn’t one of them. She was making a beeline to her boyfriend, who was sitting in a pickup
truck in the parking lot.
“Jenna,” someone yelled, “I think you’re wanted.”
Jenna turned around and yelled out, “Who?” By this time everyone was watching. “Who’s
been hollerin’ at me?” She yelled out, in a country accent, and everyone laughed. She was
always doing funny voices.
“We wants ya!” Bobby yelled back, imitating.
“Then get yer ass over here, Bobby! I ain’t got all day!” Bobby grabbed me by the arm and
we made our way through the crowd. “We’re leaving for LA in morning, damn it.” Jenna said.
“Want to get some coffee first?” Bobby still had me by the arm, but I was fine with it. If he
did all the talking than I had less chance to sound like an idiot.
“Get in back,” Jenna said. “We’ll drive.”
All I could think on the ride over was the time Jenna was trying to stay away from men. “I’m
on this inner tube,” she said, “and I’m rushing down the river about to head for some rocks,
and I need to move around them quick, but everybody coming by wants to grab on to my
tube to keep from drowning. But it only has room for me. So I’m like, get off my tube,
buddy! Get off my fucking tube!” No one laughed at that, they just looked at her like they
understood. But I’m like, what the hell? What about those of us who need a tube? I’m
floating down that river, too, and I’m headed for the rapids. I need a fucking tube, too. I
mean, where the hell does a person get a tube? Besides, it seems like her new boyfriend
hopped right on her tube. And there I was, riding in the back of his truck, huddled down
behind the cab windows with Bobby, trying not to puke from the smell of dog piss on the
blankets underneath us. She’s sharing her tube with this guy and I didn’t get it at all. Just
didn’t make sense.
When the truck stopped Bobby jumped out of the back and offered to give me a hand. I
could see through the front windows of Charlie’s that a bunch of people were sitting there
already. And there was Todd F., walking up to the truck. He didn’t notice Bobby, and he sure
as hell didn’t notice me. He was headed straight for Jenna.
“Hey, I’m going inside Charlie’s,” Bobby said, “Are you coming?”
“We’re headed there, Bob,” I said. I wanted to wait for Jenna. But then the truck started
back up and I saw the blinker flashing against the windows at Charlie’s, against the faces of all
the people inside.
“Are you staying or going?” Jenna yelled at me from inside the truck.
This was one of those moments my sponsor warned me about. I could go with Bobby, go sit
at Charlie’s for the hundredth time this month with a bottomless cup of coffee and a basket of
fries, chain smoking and talking about how the good old days weren’t as good as they
seemed, or I could follow Jenna. And I know what you’re thinking. It’s hard not to see which
way to go down this road. But Jenna was leaving, and I didn’t necessarily want to get into
trouble. I just wanted to hang out with her. And I’d already stolen the money from the
treasurer box. At this point I was willing to risk it.
“Going, I guess.” I didn’t care where.
A few minutes later we pulled up in front of a dope house. I knew it was a dope house
because of the chain link fence, the boarded-up windows, and the skinny half-naked guy
standing in the doorway. It was A Man Named Kim. He and I were old friends. Of the few
girls in my life I ever slept with, his girlfriend happened to be one of them. He’d caught us
kissing in the bathroom of a karaoke bar and got excited until he realized we weren’t going to
include him. After that I found a new dealer.
“A Man Named Kim!” Jenna yelled to him as she walked up the driveway. Her boyfriend was
still sitting in the cab of the truck.
r.kv.r.y quarterly literary journal
fall 2006
fall 2006
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